ilgerp

Thanksgiving was really good. It was me, my mom, uncle bill, aunt dee, katherine, uncle ron (who was sober and a lot of fun), aunt pam, and nick. Then richard, william, uncle laurento, and aunt patricia came over for desert. After everyone else left my mom, uncle bill, aunt dee, katherine and i watched casino royale. It was a really nice evening. My dad wasn't there, in the morning visiting my mom's family was miserable because they are all stuck in such miserable lives that they refuse to pull themselves out of. But the rest of the day was good. It was a little more subdued than I remember it being when dad was here, but not nearly as sad as the last two have been. It's nice to be able to miss him and not have that ruin everything else about the holidays.

So my mom and I moved. She did all the packing and moved last sat. Then when I got here I helped/am currently helping with the unpacking and cleaning the old house for the new owners. I really love the new place. It's nice and a lot smaller which is great for my mom. The colors on the walls are nice and warm. We still have all of the old furniture so it feels like home. It being smaller also makes it more cozy. I was sad today when I left the old house after cleaning it because it's probably the last time i'll be there. It's a strange feeling trying to erase traces of yourself in your home so that it can be someone else's. It made me sad and I had a wave of memories in each room. I'll miss my room that I painted with my dad. I took about 8 pictures going all the way around so that I'll have what it looked like. But as we were leaving my mom said it would be nice to have a new beginning. I'm really glad that she'll have that in this new house. It's just me and her. There aren't tons of memories to weigh her down. It's a size that is managable for her to maintain. As much as she loves my dad it will help her not to be always surrounded by him. To new beginnings.

Today when I was cleaning the guest bedroom I thought about the fact that I was cleaning any trace of Jack in Louisville. I would never return to the room where I lost my virginity. It was a weird thought but also brought on a lot of pondering about Jack. Being home makes me want to call him. I've texted with the girls, but usually when I was home I talked to him once a day too. At school I'm pretty busy and being home has given me some time to think about things. I'm glad we broke up. We were on different intellectual and emotional levels. It just wasn't fulfilling for me anymore. When he started acting like a jerk it made those things more apparent. Where I let that slide before, I couldn't anymore. The last two months have been insane. Since we've broken up he has changed a lot. He has put awful statuses up about how depressed he is, that he is over me, that he can't wait for his next date, that he wants his last ten months back. He's even posted two notes about what an awful person I am and a play by play of our relationship. It has been pretty rough because every time I feel like I'm starting to move on he's thrown it in my face again. I feel like I just can't get away from it sometimes at school. But the guy I loved would have never been so cruel as some of the texts he's sent me. I guess it's just hard to separate the person you were in love with and had an amazing time with from someone who hates you. I miss him, the old him, the funny guy who almost missed the metro once because he was teaching this random guy how to do the moon walk. I miss the feeling of being in love. I miss the excitement of our physical attraction. I miss his arms around me. I used to feel really safe there. I miss him and our relationship was great once. I think I tend to forget that with all that has happened since. I am ready to move on, to make new memories, to feel safe elsewhere, to grow with a person. I think I'm ready for that person not to be Jack. But I'm also ready to wait until some one I'm truly interested in comes along. I don't want just anyone's arms.

I talk about God for one simple reason, we need Him on our side." Joanne

"These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world... and then we fucked up the end game." Charlie

I LOVE POLITICS!

movies:
Vertigo
Hercules again!!!
Soil and Green
Namesake

books:
never let me go
sacred cow and golden goose
modest proposal (essay by jonathan swift)
kite runner
its sequel
heartbreaking work of staggering genious
finish up Mansfield Park

to do:
get a job
hang with family
COUSINS WEEKEND
learn spanish

DARFUR DARFUR DARFUR LAB REPORT DARFUR DARFUR DARFUR ENGLISH PAPER DARFUR DARFUR DARFUR. It all begins in 29 hours.
FUCK!

So I am in the library writing a paper right now. Jack stopped by for a bit to...watch me write? I guess. It was nice of him though because I hadn't seen him yet today. So I went to the bathroom to empty my blatter of diet snapple peach iced tea, and I came back to my computer with this lovely message awaiting me:

I am Quinn’s paper that isn’t being written. Chances are I could have been done about half an hour ago, but NOOOOOOO Quinn’s X chromosomes got in the way. Kind of like how they get in the way of voting, driving, being a good person, succeeding in life, not failing, making friends, keeping friends, and did I mention voting? Yea, yea I did. That was, like, the first one.
So wait, what the shit is this paper supposed to be about? Honors English… probably something crappy like the symbolism behind “The Things They Carried.”
1. They were in Vietnam. Books/movies/music/anything about Vietnam RULES. NAM!

checking my friends page right before this is really cool. I'm getting ready to write a couple lines about a boy right after my twin posts that she's decided to take a year off, teach in south america, and maybe visit south africe. Man she's got guts.

Now something much less cool:
Jack came over for a bit tonight. Just for like 30 minutes b/c I had a ton of hw. It was really good to see him. It felt so nice to be in his arms. It just felt right. We get along great and tonight I just kept staring in his eyes. It was like I could look at them forever. Woah, strong rush of positive feelings towards the guy. I've not felt this way before, and it's a little scary because I can feel my barriers starting to drop. I'm allowing myself to want to see him every day, and miss him if I don't. I'm allowing myself to become attached. It's scary, but it feels good. I'm wondering if this is love. (Karen, I'll kick you ass if this is repeated.) I know it's not yet, I don't know him completely yet. I've yet to truly get down to why he does what he does etc. I know a lot about him and how he thinks, but I don't know his mind yet. Nor does he know mine. But it sure feels like it's headed that way. I just feel such a warmth whenever he's near. It's so intense.

Yeah, that was just cuz I needed to get that one out, not that I particularly felt it was something I wanted you to know.

I wasn't particularly moved by today. It was more of an acute awareness. Then my aunt Donna sent an email to my family. It made my stomach drop. I wanted to include it here.

To a Gentle Man

Today is the Birthday of a wonderful, caring, & loving man. He was my brother. I was blessed to have his love and kindness in my life. He was a loving husband, father, son, brother, uncle and great-uncle, and friend. My first thought this morning was---Happy Birthday Stephen! It was like my mornings when I wake up and forget for a few minutes that I have cancer. Stephen was a happy thought for me this morning. I know each of us feels the same, still grieving over our lose and yet the happy memories are always with us. There is not a day I don't think of him, like all of us. We each want to help each other and yet not sure of what we each need. For me, it is knowing that I love each of you and that we all love each other so much. How blessed we are as a family!
So with that said..................HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHEN !
LOVE, DONNA

February 19, 2008

So I've been in a funk the past couple of days. I seem to be falling into myself. And not necessarily in a good way. Lots of reflection has led me to feel left behind, as one will if one dwells in the past.
I was exhausted and down today and ready to write that I was falling into myself.
Then tonight I went to see Ron Dellums speak. He's one of the main characters portreyed in the Disney movie "The Color of Friendship."
His speech was amazing. I feel so much better now. Inspired. As though that was all I needed to get through this slump, someone to tell me I didn't have the time to spend in it.
I just wanted to include some quotes from his speech that I jotted down.

You [r generation] don't have the luxury of time.

The system never caused anyone to cop out. (referring to politicians who use the system as an excuse for a change or dilution in their ideals)

Don't get caught up in the cult of personality.

Cynics don't change the world. They tell you 1000 reasons you can't and watch as you do.

He comes from the 60s, those are old politics. No, they are overdue politics. (on how people view him and some issues he's still advocating)

I saw Katrina as a metaphor for everything wrong in Urban America.

Cities are the place where the human family lives.

I am a thousand adjectives.

I was talking to alice just now and I realized something:
I'm doing "better" with the dad thing. I miss him a lot, but it's not as drastic. One thing that I have noticed is a kind of continual sadness, just like something's missing. Not in a big way. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'll walk down the hallway and miss him and know that this is how it is. It's not an overwhelming sadness. It's not that life's not fair. It's that this is life. It's the good and the bad, the hurt, the injustice, the justice, it's all of it. There isn't necessarliy a balance. It won't all even out in the end. Some people will be amazingly blessed while others who are amazing human beings seem to continually get the short end of the deal. And that's ok. It's life and that's all there is to it. We have to accept it if we think it's worth it to continue living. It's a tradeoff, the possibility of anything for the ability to continue.
I miss him. I love him. I can't feel the warmth of his love anymore. I sometimes sleep a little longer than necessary just to avoid starting a day without him. It's life. And I choose to continue.

ok, so my roommate and I are just kind of wasting time until we get tired enough to fall asleep. Sarah, who is amazing and the best roommate I could have ever hoped for...who i might be rooming with next year, put in the sisterhood of the traveling pants, to watch a bit before bed.

At one point Lena has a breif monolouge where she says,"Maybe that's what strikes me most about Kostas: that despite everything he's suffered he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. It makes me so sad that people like Kostas and Bridget who have lost everything can still be open to love... while I, who have lost nothing, am not. "

It makes me think a lot. I wonder about my openness to love. I wonder about my inability to see life in an uncomplicated way. Just thinking.

On another note, I'm completely in love with my individual freedom vs authority class. It's political philosophy AND AMAZING. My head hurts, but i get it. And we're reading the complete texts of these philosophers that we just take for granted now. All of Plato's Republic, all of Hobbes' Leviathan, all of Locke's two treatises of government. :D

Break has been good. Not necessarily amazing, but good. Definately some bumps along the way. Not all that I'd hoped, but life.

BUT one thing I've become terribly conscious of is how people view me/how I behave? If that's the right way to put it.

I'm being true to myself but at the same time not being myself. Like I feel like everything I do is legit, but sometimes the funny/awkward goes to the extreme. It's too much. I think I've gotten into the habit of saying whatever I want whenever, regardless of whether or not it's appropriate. Some of that is a sense of entitlement with the Dad thing, but I've taken it too far.

Even my god friends only see that. They might know that I'm caring, but they feel that they can't trust me and while they still indulge their secrets, they feel the need to make me promise over and over again not to repeat them. When did I become that person? It's not that I tell them to other people... I guess my friends just don't trust me not to say them at inappropriate moments.

I think to an extent it's definately hindered my ability to make friendships at AU. Like I have some amazing ones, but only my close friends know that isn't all there is to me.

So yeah, I guess it's something I want to work on. It's time for me to find my passion again, and that's not in being inappropriate.

It just sucks to have people question their ability to confide in you.

just helps me keep things straight in my head.

Thurs Dec 27 read all day. Saw Santaland Diaries with my mom at Actors. Play by David Sedaris (talked to Jack)

Fri 28 lunch with Steph and Alice at Ramsi's. Showed Alice Pop. Dinner with Jon, Andrew, Alex and our families. Saw Charlie Wilson's War with Alice, Elise, and Keith. Then went to Steak and Shake, then the house where Steph was house sitting.

Sat 29 cooked with Uncle Bill, Alice, and Richard. Then had our dinner with them, mom, and aunt Dee. Buddy Chat with the Sisterhood...minus nathiya. Then to Leah's to just talk. (jack)

Sunday 30 Saw Juno with my mom. then saw Alice for a bit.

Monday 31 dinner with mom at Rockey's. Went to Uncle Ron's to hang with the family some. Then to Kendall's to see people. Then to my house...rang in the New Year with Jake, Baly, Alice, and Elise

Tues Jan 1... hung out with Alex and Alysia, played life and watched the monk-athon. Dinner with mom. Hung out with Alice and Keith while Alice packed. (jack)

Wed 2 Saw Aunt Lou and Uncle Richard for a couple hours. Hung out with Kendall, Rachel, Alysia at Rachel's. Then went to Starbucks with Jake, Sarah, Abby, and Jordan

Thurs 3 Had lunch with Mrs Eschels and Katherine at Panera. Spent the evening with Greg, Katie, Drew, Sarah, Abby, and Rory...went to a mediterranean restaraunt for dinner, then my house to watch the matrix. (jack)

Fri 4 Had dinner at Lynn's with Leah and Steph. Dropped Leah off. Steph and I went to Ben's coming home party at Baly's. Then Steph spent the night.

Sat 5 went to lunch with AC. Then went to Barnes and Noble and watched PS I Love You with her. Dinner at Alice's with her Grinnell friends.

just kind of feeling the hole right now. It aches in a way that seems eternal.
I miss Pop.

Break didn't go how I wanted it to. There were many great parts, there's a week and a half left. I've spent some really good time with my family. My mom and I didn't jive at the start but have found our rhythm again. I've seen a lot of my friends. Some things definately weren't the way I wanted them. I just wish the first part of break, when we fist hung out would've gone smoothly. We don't argue, conversation isn't strained...yet it was.

Watched Forces of Nature just now. It's a movie about getting married. Often times I wonder if I could ever find someone I love that completely. If I could be in a relationship that long with out completely messing it up. I fear for my stamina in all relationships really.

I have a gaping hole in the middle of my chest.

finals done friday the 14th
everyone leaves the 14th
grandmommy came to dc for the weekend...bonding time! :)
(talked to jack sunday...maybe sat as well...don't remember)

monday 17th- got home around 4 in the afternoon, went to crackerbarrel for dinner with mom, hung out with her, unpacked, started the tree

tues 18th-did all of my xmas shopping, grabbed lunch with steph, went to visit mr rich, mrs eschels, and mrs livesay with steph, keith, and nick, went to dairy queen with steph and nick, went to I AM LEGEND with katie harvey, greg, kelli, jake (talked to jack)

wed 19th- hung out at home all day, spent time with mom, set up xmas decorations, cleaned house some, wrapped gifts

thurs 20th- went to cpk for lunch with andrea and aunt pam, went to gattiland for dinner with steph, rick, and jake. steph and rick came over after and we talked till one.

fri 21st- saw alvin and the chipmunks with mom, went to ann desanctis' ugly xmas sweater party... JASON WAS THERE! other than that, the usual katie harvey etc crew, with josh keller, nick, and samantha seldon as well...alice's flight home canceled. (talked to jack)

sat 22nd- made lasagna at uncle bill's with the family, went to katie harvey's gingerbread house making party. mad fun. girls v guys, we totally won. then just hung out and played charades, alice got in at about midnight, went over to just pop in for a bit

sunday 23rd- cleaning and baking in anticipation of the pregliascos, thornewill tree trimming party, friends=amanda, keith, angela cao, amanda, katie harvey, and emily walker, mom came so that was good (talked to jack)

monday 24th- intense setting up/preparing food all day, went to the cemetery, had the pregliasco christmas eve, lots of fun!, cleaned up

tuesday 25th- presents with mom, breakfast and christmas with mom's side of the family, drove over to see papa-didn't stay long, home for a nap, over to uncle bill's for xmas night with the pregliascos- alice came too, home, read all of funky winkerbean comics for 2007, talked with alice on the phone till 3

wed 26th- more cleaning up/putting away of presents, lunch at mcalister's with alice, errands, home to read for a while, video games with baly and jake, updating lj

Hung out with Alice when she got in tonight. Spent some time with her family. The love was almost tangible amoung them. Her dad was talking about how glad he was Ben and Alice were home.
It made me miss him. It made me miss how much love he gave me. It's good to be home, but it still feels a little empty. He was so good at life/loving. I miss him so terribly much. I can't stand to think about never feeling his love again.

Recap of my first semester at AU

Classes:
World Politics, Psychology, Visual Literacy, Introduction to the Justice System, Macroeconomics, SPA Leadership, Choir

Various friend groupings:
FSE 6: me, Alex, Caleb, Carolyn, Karen, Nathiya
Sisterhood: me, Carolyn, Karen, Nathiya
Letts Club 7: me, Carolyn, Karen, Nathiya, Mike, Tim, Caleb/Dan Petrik

Roommate:
Sarah Franquemont...quite possibly the nicest human being ever!

Goodtimes:
Mass consumption of cookie dough, the ball game, studying in eachother's rooms, sleepovers, fse, tuesday/friday girl lunches, doing errands with brownie, Maggiano leftovers reheated in the lounge for dinner, snuggle parties during Private Practice, Watching Gossip Girl with brownie, Cousins' weekend in DC, Grandmommy's weekend in DC

Musical Experiences:
HR 57 (a jazz club), the national symphonic orchestra on the capital lawn, the Bravery concert in the tavern, Stephen Lynch in Bender :/, Urinetown (musical put on by AU), AU orchestra concert, National Orchestra at the Kennedy Center, multiple AU a capella concerts, jazz group in dupont circle

Plays:
Death and the Maiden

Movies Watched:
Monsters Inc, Moulin Rouge, The Notebook, Titanic, Pearl Harbor, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Departed, Superbad, Blow Up, Ricky Bobby: Taladega Nights, The Godfather, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Across the Universe, Beowulf, Enchanted

Speakers:
Elizabeth Edwards- spoke for the kickoff for breastcancer awareness month
Dahli Lama- spoke at the Capital when he came to visit

Random Encounters:
Bumped into Donald Rumpsfeld at Starbucks with Caleb and Carolyn. He was very nice and interested in how we liked AU. Puts more of a human side to satan.

Boys:
Dan Burns: went to Catholic U, met at the national symphonic orchestra concert, he taught me how to ballroom dance, lasted all of 3 weeks, ends with CU drama so he says he can't
Jack Douglass: in Vis Lit together. Go on first date Tuesday of finals week...crush continues to present

Leadership Recap:
Social Justice-Darfur
Members- Rob, Nirvana, Ben, Emily, Caitlan, Gilly, myself
try for benefit concert with Dave Matthews, Political Panel, and awareness fair on quad.
at end of semester- looks like Dave fell through, SG pulled funding will use smaller band, possibly african dancers, food collection looks like a bust not even world food program can help us there,
political pannel shaping up VERY well-members of congress, ambassador of chad, actual refugee from Darfur all booked to speak
awareness fair- Very well too. mock refugee camp on quad, tabling by various CBOs on how to help and the conflict itself: includes Amnesty International, Genocide Intervention Network and many others... a capella groups singing in shifts to help draw attention to quad

Bumps:
mom adjusting to me not being home, me dealing with dad not knowing about my changing future, Aunt Joanie having cancer, Nick and Allison getting a divorce, Aunt Birdie having cancer, Mrs. Haffell having breast cancer

yeah, so that's my synopsis...to put some feeling into it: It has been truly amazing. i've enjoyed every bit of this semester. I love DC and the opportunities I've had with Leadership. My friends are caring, funny, and just great to be around

thought for the evening...a guy should want to tell you he likes you, or at least get the nerve to tell you without you initiating.
i suppose patience on my part would go along with that....but i guess i'll have to learn to just go with the flow.
i'm sure that guy's out there. if they're not telling me they like me, then they don't. it's like that goofy book sarah has. they'll tell me when they do. there isn't that much to figure out.
hey it's a journal, did you expect something deep?

so tonight is the last night of the madrigal dinners. i wish i was there. i had a dream last night that for some reason i was in town so i helped set up and then just got to sit at the back and listen and watch everyone's faces as they enjoyed one of the best experiences of my time in high school. i'd like to do that. i woke up and was a bit dissapointed. last year i didn't enjoy it to the fullest because i was upset that i finally got something i'd worked so hard for and he couldn't be there to enjoy it with me. saturday night was particularly hard because it was the last one. Up until that point he could've shown up, but if i finished saturday's show without him, then he really wouldn't have been there for any of it. i really loved it all, it just took looking back on it to see it without as much grief connected to it.
Sing we now of christmas, sing we here noel.

so i should be doing my paper on sri lanka, but....

so last week sucked, and this week is still kind of rough and i just seem to be all around tired. But damn, i've got it good. Seriously, how did i end up with friends like this?
Things are bad sometimes, but all in all they're amazing at how glorious they are even when life sucks.

My friends here are amazing. I can't believe how lucky I got. I know I've said it before, but I'm just still stupified by it all. There was a little weirdness Wed night and immediately it was talked out and everyone really wanted to show how much each of us means to eachother. I owe someone up there something for how this has all ended up.

To the reason for the post: it's been a really rough week. I miss Pop so much. I haven't been this down in a while. At least not for a week straight anyways. I'd forgotten how much it hurts when the pain of never being able to have him hug me again sets in. I forgot how real it feels or how insanely deep the pain runs. It's been a rough week. There were a lot of triggers. Monday there was a penny outside the door to my room all day, then when I came back after class it was just inside our door. Tuesday I watched an episode of Grey's where george says he would have given his heart to save his dad. Tues night while attempting to get us to put the right emotions behind the music in choir Dan said, come on just bury him. A flood of memories swept back. Wed someone dressed up as Quailman for halloween. Thurs I had to recount it all and feel it all again. I'm just emotionally drained.

I still don't understand why he isn't here. He was so good. He knew how to love and to listen. He didn't complicate things. He was pretty simplistic, but that made him so good at living. I just want to talk to him again. I want one more hug. I want to hear I love you before I go to sleep one more time. I wish I hadn't taken for granted that I would get two of his hugs everyday. I miss him so so much.

This is the first time people here have really seen me go through this. I've had down days before, but by the next day I'm back and going. They all know he died last year and understand that it's a sad thing, but I think they just didn't know how to handle disconnected Quinn. It's weird to feel this way for more than a day. It reminds me a little bit of last fall and how completely disconnected I was from the world. It reminds me that some people were slightly understandable when they wouldn't wait around for 6 months with only the shell of a friend. It doesn't excuse it all, but definately some of it. It also reminds me that as disconnected as I was last year most of the intense grieving took place at home, at night. Here I'm not really ever by myself. When I grieve people know. It makes the harshness of the whole thing that much more in the open. Shucks, Alice didn't even really see me cry when I was at my worst until January. Now there are people I've known for 10 weeks that have seen me when I'm being torn apart.

Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I know that he should still be here. Sometimes it feels that if I wish hard enough, he'll be back, but he won't. period. the end.

But with the friend thing I am so lucky, but no really.
I just wish I could share it with him. I wish I could show him how much love I've found.